The Grace in Grace

I should have known better
That people fail you at times
I should have known better
That promises are fragile
I should have known better
That certains said weren't exactly what it was meant
I should have known better
That someone you wished will be there for you
Can't always be there
I should have known better
That people don't always appreciate
I should have known better
That certain things don't change
I should have known better
That what is mention today
May mean nothing tomorrow
I should have known better
That I couldn't expect the same
I should have known better...


Maybe I'm sensitive, maybe I took it too hard. But the reaction I get... I should have known better. I don't know when to take it seriously or when you're just saying for the sake of saying it. I'm feeling quite alone. Maybe because I haven been to Church for the past 2 weeks,or maybe the people I see these 2 weeks were the same, maybe it's just me again.


5 more days to Cambodia. It felt like I'm dealing with it alone. The family weren't as anxious like the last time, people doesn't seem as excited.. ah, here she goes for another mission trip again..


I just got my tickets booked moments ago, source through some English games and worksheets yesterday and what's left was packing and preparing for music lesson. It left me hanging midway when I sense reluctancy.. maybe I should have known better that it might not happen.. I really should have known better. I hate asking for help when it felt like I'm forcing them to help.. Maybe it's the pride, maybe people really didn't want to help, maybe what was said was just to brush me off.


I should have known better. How come majority of the people doesn't seem to agree or see eye to eye to the things I do. Not that they have to, but it's only human to feel this way.. Why can't I have a bunch of people that shares the same passion.. why can't I have that one friend who would understand how it felt.. why can't I have that one friend who will be there.. why can't I have that one friend who would save me from the snowy mountain like those in discovery channel.. why can't I have that one best friend who would have me as a best friend too.. I know I'm not exactly the best of friend one could ask for.. but all these years I've been asking. And everytime I thought there is that one best friend, it either turns out to be not or it's all one sided.. I'm kind of sick of giving full attention, love, care, concerns and whatnots.. why am I going through this again. Smack me, someone..


I don't deny that I'm affected, as much as I tried not to. I'm trying hard to be that someone.. but I'm not, maybe not yet. Maybe I haven master the art of letting go. Maybe just a little.. And I really shouldn't be expecting that breakfast and people on Monday.. I should be less disappointed like this.. I hope..

Bird park today was fun. Waking up at 6.30 isn't. The day wasn't bad, weather's nice and there's good company. Knocked out while watching TV and continue to be in coma till 7ish. Took a long bus ride home and here I am, just finish typing the %&*$#@#$ hand over report that they should have send last week or at least yesterday when they asked for it. So, I had to do like 3 times the work just because of your stupidity. The computer crashed, period. The best I could do is be kind and go back for a day to brief the poor soul taking over my position. If it's not for the school, I wouldn't care less. I gave you what I could, give me my pay.

Rather pissed last night, but I'm glad it's quite over. I wonder how at times I want to try, but there are moments that I didn't want to give a damn. Am I being mean? Girlfriend said it's because sometimes it's just not worth the time and effort.. But I would like to believe that everything is worth some kind of time and effort. Ah well, maybe someday I will be enlighten, like.. "Ting! Ah ha!!"

Maybe I'm biased. No doubt I am to certain things and people. I don't deny I treat some people better than the others, showed more love, displayed more care and concern and whatnot. Come on, I'm human. No matter how saint someone is, there's bound to be favoritism before logic sets in. I can't say I have never dislike someone, but now... I want to at least try. It's on and off. There are moments I am able to squeeze some love out, but also times I just want to roll my eyes and walk away; like damn you, I don't care whatever! It's complicated, really. It's funny how I can give unconditionally (almost) to some and hold back so much to the other some.. Someone press the eureka button.

We've been talking about it for a million times and every time we end up asking why is it so damn freaking hard to do it? With all the prayers that goes, "Teach me how to love like you have loved me..." Is it even possible? Maybe if I try hard enough, it is. I'm sure the problem or the thorn is there for a good reason..

Well... it's the last one. Let it be good, somehow... and then I REALLY need to prepare for Cambodia and off I go, it's slowly kicking in. Thank goodness for the camps to fill up some space. It felt just like how I prepared for Logos II.. that was quite insane. But fun :)

My mom freaked out when she knew about the diving accident in Aur last weekend. I guess my dad too, but he just didn't show. I don't know, to them diving is a dangerous sport and I'm sure to many people too. Teachers in school went "waaaaaah! You dive ah? Very adventurous huh!" when they know that I dive. They shake their head when I ask them to try, saying that they would rather stay on land then go underwater. To them, diving is an extream sport.

Tell me that people don't die on land. I guess the number of people dying on land compared to those who died because of diving accident exceed far more. What they can't see, they just assume. Oh mama...

I was suppose to prepare for Cambodia, but somehow nothing much was done today. 2nd day of professional bumming.

Anyway people.. dive season ending. Last dive trip to Dayang this weekend.

We were talking over dinner on how people didn't want the season to end last year, but it's the total opposite this year.. I guess, we are all burnt out. One whole year or events and dive trips every alternate week, it burns. Oh well, let the off-seassion be a good resting period for all and we will come back stronger..

Last weekend's LOB really felt like a holiday. Maybe because I just officially left my job, no worries about Monday. But I think mainly because it's with the people I'm familiar with. Took our time to pack, move off, no insane head counts and keeping time in check. I remembered standing at the top deck after 3rd dive on Saturday, looking across the vast open sea and felt relieved. It was after all my 3th or 4th leisure trip.

We were all packed into our squeeze cozy little van, fed on Jerry's big bag of candies that drove many of us hyper, played volley ball inside the van while waiting for Zac's visa to clear, late supper at Kota Tinggi, Tokyo Drift and Yesterday as pee song from DJames and gPod for Grace, danced to Billy Jean when we just got on board, pillow snatching with Lynn until it's bed time, tucking girlfriend in to sleep.

The dives were good. We went to this weird dive site in the middle of nowhere for our 3rd dive, so weird it didn't felt like I was in Malaysian water. It was all sandy, nothing much to expect. Before long I started getting stinging sensation from who knows what on my thigh, then when I looked closer it's jellyfishes' tentacles. I thought I was the only one getting it, when I turn and saw girlfriend covering her face... yes! I'm not alone! Then it strikes.. My mouth and lips area got stung.. So numb I couldn't feel my lips at some point. The rest choose to abort dive after awhile. Girlfriend and I stayed on and saw some really rare creatures never seen before. We came across sea moth, sea angles, tiny hermits, weird looking anemones and many many shrimps. While ascending, I had to look out for jellyfishes while she look at dive computer. We spend a good 10 minutes for our safety stop playing with the sea angels. I looked like I got whipped on my thighs, hands and lips by the jellyfish stings and girlfriend look like she got love bite on her neck by her caddy.

It was fun. We went fishing at night, tried the DPV, saw a million shrimps during the trip, had our very beloved steamboat dinner, watched horror film in between dives, played good old table beat game, volley ball in water, sun tan, melted ice cream, very cold cabin, good company. Nice trip. If this was my season last for Malaysian water, it's a good ending :)

I look sexy with my sexy swollen lips...

Last day. Felt like a Friday today, maybe because I'm using my canterbury bag. So, I wasn't feeling a pinch of sadness about leaving until moments ago. And strange enough, the sadness isn't coming from having to leave the school, but knowing that her work station was cleared out. Not only work station, but maybe most of the other things too. I don't know, haven been to the scene yet. Maybe that's why Lynn called. I knew the computer's going back, maybe just didn't expect it to be so soon. Or perhaps, wasn't even anticipating it to happen at all. I sucked at handling changes.

What's there to be sad about?

Believe me, I keep asking myself that question too. If I had known the answer, maybe I could have delt with it better. Seems like when everything was nice and going, it's slowly fading to grey. I could still hear the laughters, imagined what I would see everytime I turned over and all the random moments. Occasionally feel the pissy mood in the air, rolling of eyes when the kitchen got too noisy and shutting ourselves up in the new found office...Where did all these go? Nowadays I sit alone in the office, no body's on the couch watching tv along, take that long walk home when I'm done. We wanted peace and quiet, but I think I got too much of it. I miss the noise, the action, the home feeling even when how I used to bitch about it. How I had the office to look forward to after work, the random brainless conversations and actions..You suck, Grace. People say things can't always be the same and wouldn't always be the same. I know, I'm trying. It felt like I woke up from a really nice dream and only to realise I'm in an empty house all along.

Yeah, go ahead and say I'm being too sensitive or whatever you wanna label me as. Or even if I'm being all self-centered, it's the mememe-kind of feeling and thoughts. I tried, but still it hurts somehow. Now, why the heck is it even hurting? Someone enlighten me. I don't quite get over things fast, I still can't let go as it is. Maybe the Cambodia trip would really do good. Maybe I should even stop dreaming of people sending me off, the early morning Macdonalds breakfast and the goodbye hugs... Might just have to scoot off on my own!

Months before when I thought about the crew trip, I pictured us doing the visa dance that we have always wanted to, Jerry's good old steamboat, getting all hyped and all the random things that we could be doing. Right now... I don't know what to expect anymore.

With my things in school all packed, I hope. I'm ready to go. No sign of replacement coming and I really shouldn't care less. Wanted to step out for breakfast, but I just lost the mood. Smack me, somebody.

Last night, half the time I was dreaming about Tuol Sleng prison. It's one of the last dream I want to have. It's funny how I would wake up and forget what I dreamed, but everytime I dreamt about Tuol Sleng, it's imprinted so deeply. I remembered Imelda was with me in Cambodia and I was at the entrance of Tuol Sleng with my parents. They wanted to go in and I had to. I stood outside the prison, fear striken. Until someone told me I didn't have to enter actually and wait outside for them to come out.

It's been 3 years and I'm still scare of going back to that place. Everytime I dream about that place, it always brought fear. This time I'm going back and I know I don't have to visit the place again, but why is this fear surfacing again? It's the kind of fear that drives you to the corner, making you all helpless, wanted to scream but the voice wouldn't come out. I never had such fear before, nothing could instill such fear except for this place. I need to get over it, seriously.

Oh well, I hope it doesn't affect the day so much when I get to the office later. Let me dwell over it for awhile. I still miss having you around, even if it didn't make a difference to you. I guess, I just miss having you as a company; doing everything random; bitching, talking, teasing...without feeling awkward..

Oh mama.

"The secret of life is letting go..."

The secret of life is letting go
The secret of love is letting it show
In all that I do
In all that I say
Right here in this moment

The power of prayer is in a humble cry
The power of change is in giving my life
And laying it down
Down at your feet
Right here in this moment

Take my heart
Take my soul
I surrender everything to your control
And let all that is with in me lift up to you and say
I am yours and yours alone
Completely

This journey of life is a search for truth
This journey of faith is following you
Every step of the way
Through the joy and the pain right here in this moment

Right here, right now,
And for the rest of my life
Hear me say

I am yours and yours alone
Completely

___________________________________________________________________
Last week Eugene was asking me if I felt anything about leaving work. My reply then was a straight no; I didn't feel any belonging or attachement to the place, or so I thought. Maybe in years to come, I would eventually forget that I have taught at KC even. The feeling of leaving didn't quite sink in until yesterday. As I sat in lab, sorting my things till today to finally packing them... the feeling is kicking in. It's not a sad or happy feling about leaving the job, I reckon it's a normal thing when you leave a place after some time; whether you liked it or not.

As I took down the pictures on the wall, slowly go through things that I'm bringing back, leaving behind and throwing away.. It brough me back to the time when I first set foot in this school. I didn't know what to anticipate, it was afterall my very first full time job. The once barren wall was covered with photographs, the once empty table was filled with my things, the once silent lab echoed my Christian radio; now I guess it will be back to square one again, at least for a little while.

With each photograph that I removed, it brought back memories of why it was on the wall. Pictures of Iggy, Logos II days, my first open water dive, church people, family, Laos trip with girlfriend... Man, all these actually happened!?

Serene was telling me to write a hand-over report to the replacement if he/she didn't show up by tomorrow, at the end of it put "Good Luck". Well, I guess that person really needs it if he/she is not coming when I'm still around. So many things to hand over, typing a report wouldn't be enough. Whatever lah, I couldn't care less now.

It occurs to me this morning that I have a good week of professional bumming to do before running camps for JBP and setting off to Cambodia. The idea of making a trip back to Malaysia is very tempting... Finances wise, I'm still contemplating..

Let's see what will happen tomorrow :)

Take a breath
I pull myself together
Just another step until I reach the door
You'll never know the way it tears me up inside to see you
I wish that I could tell you something
To take it all away

Sometimes I wish I could save you
And there're so many things that I want you to know
I won't give up till it's over
If it takes you forever I want you to know

When I hear your voice
It's drowning into whispers
It's just skin and bones
There's nothing left to take
No matter what I do I can't make you feel better
If only I could find the answer
To help me understand

Sometimes I wish I could save you
And there're so many things that I want you to know
I wont give up till it's over
If it takes you forever I want you to know

That if you fall, stumble down
I'll pick you up off the ground
If you lose faith in you
I'll give you strength to pull through
Tell me you won't give up cause I'll be waiting if you fall
Oh you know I'll be there for you

__________________________________________________________________
Hey you,

Hang in there, I'll wait like the other time. You'll be back, I believe, pretty soon. You have always been my tough cookie. Would really like to do something or say something to make you feel better. My presense wouldn't do much good, my words have never been smooth and could never out talk you and in actual fact, there seems to be nothing I can do to cheer you up. As much as I want to, I can't. I'm sorry... But if you need some extra hugs, I promise I wouldn't charge. Haha!

I could only offer up my prayers and if that is not enough, I could still bring you your favorite candy, tea, make you toast and make you another sunflower if I have to. Be back soon...

Remember my ice milo and towel ya... hang in there..